12-11-08

1. To some of you, this will seem like a cop out, a way to hand in an assignment without thinking too hard. To others of you, this may seem like a last minute attempt at handing something in on time, which at this point is incorrect. A few of you may realize that when it’s all said and done, this is the only thing I know how to do. I know how to write (even if its not always well). Perhaps this can be seen as a reason more MSA majors should be accepted into more media production classes. Regardless, that isn’t the point of this.

1.32 The point is for me to be able to express myself freely, using words as my tools. Originally I had planned for something more along the lines of The Motion of Light in Water, where I’d try to imitate some of his writing style and look back on some of my own experiences. I think I’ll stick with that; my second idea of a typical reading response is both boring and inadequate considering everything else that has been done this semester thus far. However, I’ve also decided this will remind people of the old school days in Intro to MSA where we actually used blogs for reading responses. It could be me being sentimental, or just wishing for times when school seemed like a fun and exciting challenge instead of a chore.

2. None of the above is really important, at least not for the assignment. Instead its rambling that may just give more insight as to why this is what I’ve chosen.

3. So where does this memoir begin? The best option may be to provide back-story and work from there, but it may be much more interesting if I delve right in.

There I was feeling indifferent about what had just occurred. I looked over at the two who had just been added to my long list of lovers and wondered why this certain event hadn’t made much of an impression. They had just stepped out to the porch for a cigarette and I had opted to stay inside, with Coral’s baby, away from the smoke. The little baby boy looked up at me, his eyes seemingly wondering what had just occurred in the next room.

“Don’t worry, if your anything like your mother, you’ll have an interesting life too,” I said, or at least it was something to that effect. But in the future would things like this be of any interest or excitement beyond the physical aspect of it all? This wasn’t the first time this thought had occurred to me, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. I couldn’t control this physical excitement or pleasure, but something hadn’t connected, something kept me from experiencing it as a whole.

“So since when do you hook up with girls,” I heard Chris say as he walked in through the door.

“Girl, guy, what’s the difference except that a guy will possibly bring me another baby,” Coral said with a laugh.

At this point, for the blogs sake, it might have been interesting if we went into a deep conversation about gender and sexuality. While these things may have been at the bottom of the conversation, it never came up as its own topic. Instead, the conversation went about as crudely as these few statements:

“Regardless of who’s tongue your kissing, it just about feels the same.”
“Who cares if it’s a guy or girl, I just want to feel good.”
“Everyone says their bi now, I’d rather just not say anything.”

Some of these beliefs still hold true today, at least in my eyes. Unless forced to, I’ve never really decided to choose a sexuality or sexual preference. What if it changes? Or if one day I’m dreaming more of slim, limber young woman and the next day a built, aggressive man? I’ve also never liked to use the idea of experimenting to cover up what I’ve done. I’ve never done something I’ve regretted and if there was any experimenting, it happened long before my teenage years.

3.15 These events all seemed normal to me. I never had any qualms about them nor did strange images make me wonder what I was becoming. Perhaps I’ve always been open minded enough that I didn’t even feel a need to question what I was doing. Sometimes, I even find myself missing those days that I have left behind for the ever so respected coupledom I find myself in. Is either one of them such a bad thing? No, but it seems as though because my heart is in the right place, finally feeling attachments I couldn’t go back to that time.

It is interesting however to see how often my mind goes back to those days sitting in classrooms of Purchase college. I sit back and listen to some of these labels and theories and wonder why even bother? Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones who didn’t get caught into the trap of identity labels and societal norms. Is this why Purchase called out to me?

Regardless, I’m sitting in a classroom, learning queer theory, at a time when many people seem to think the time for queer theory is over and perhaps it should become the history of queer theory. It can’t be over because I’m just starting to learn it and there are more strides that need to be taken, more pushes for equality and everything else that has put queer studies at the forefront.

4.0 My memoir like writing has turned into a ramble of ideas and stories. I leave it up to you to try and decide what’s truth and what’s fiction. What is my own idea and what is something I’ve taken from a reading and rehashed in order to make it seem as my own. And if you are really good, you can find out what parts of “Queer Theory Addiction” by Neville Hoad have made it into here.